Quiet Life – Depressed One Day, OK The Next

Life’s a strange thing but its amazing how we remember each day or do we? Its strange I can remember what I did last week but can not remember I did yesterday. For me maybe it’s because each day seems to roll into the next and by the time we know it a week has passed.

Maybe for me its a matter of writing a blog everyday but might get boring as each day it’s basically ’same shit, different day’. Sometimes though like today I had a doctor’s appointment at 11:45am, got out of bed at 11am. Just time enough to have my caffeine fix, take my medication with just enough time to walking stick ‘waddle’ across the road to the doctor surgery. Had to get my result from a blood test taken last week which were a positive result, my cholesterol down from about 9.2 to 5.8 and my diabetes down from 9 to about 5, guess taking medication does help. I had this crazy idea if I stopped taking my medication it was an easy way to commit suicide. YEH I KNOW BLOODY STUPID IDEA I know but when suffering and the feeling of depression creates crazy ideas sometimes.

Changing the subject, over the past 12 months or so I been downloading Gay Themed Movies from different countries, many and varied languages. Hard when you only speak and understand English so thank god for subtitles. Currently have over 50 movies but only thanks for help from my brother seeing I struggled with internet connection especially over the last few months. It’s hard for a straight guy like my brother to download such a topic of gay love and coming out, he’s more interested in pussy ha-ha. Guess he can not help being straight, nobody is perfect – Just Kidding.

Received my pension yesterday and in less than 24 hours it’s all gone, if only didn’t have to eat. In these economic times the burden is placed on us all but I consider myself lucky. So many people have lost their homes, lost their jobs with many families living on the streets. The homeless rate of people living each day on the streets increasing it is placing immense burden on charities who are running out of accommodation places and food. In the face of all that suffering my struggles seem insignificant. I do not offer much but I donate to those people sitting out the front of shopping centres rattling their tins for donation. My offerings are only small sadly but it amazes me how our federal government opposition is going on about an increasing debt to the country in the government’s efforts to create jobs, saving jobs, trying to help the lower end of town by taking from the upper end of town. The upper end of town sure has its own worries but how sad they have to sell those luxury items, like Porsches, Yachts and Holiday Homes that is hardly doing it tough in my opinion. So rightly the Government is making them pay more to help those less fortunate.

What annoys me most is when you get these CEO’s and Executives getting million dollar handshakes and bonuses while at the same time sacking employee’s. Not long ago the CEO of Telstra receiving a 35 million dollar handshake upon leaving. Nobody is worth that, especially while in command of the telecom company where the share price and profits has decreased significantly and only one 1/4 of growth the company experience in his reign of control. It’s just ridiculous, now he’s gone back to America and now criticizes the Australian people as racist. We have many American and other nationality CEO’s overseeing many companies here and none but him have accused us of this. Sol pull your head in, you screwed up a profitable company, lowered services and you have the nerve to say things like that. His beef I believe is because Telstra which was majorly own by the Federal Government before the Howard Government sold their share to small investors at a rate much higher than the share market rate now. Sure we are in a recession but the share price loses happened mostly before the economic crisis happened.

Anyway I had my whinge and some events of my life, boring I know but who knows what will happen soon and if it seems interesting will be in another blog sometime, somewhere.

*hugs* n *kisses* to all my friends, Love Ya All

“I Dreamed A Dream”

What a pleasant surprise and not since Anthony Calea’s performance of The Prayer on ‘Australian Idol’ have I been brought to tears by an outstanding performance such as Susan Boyle gave in ‘Britain’s Got Talent’. This unassuming lady who captivated everyone with her rendition after much laughing of a cynical audience and judges who looked at her quirky sense of humour, age and looks expecting much less than she was to give in a breath taking performance.

Sadly it’s human nature to judge people because of the way they look and I hope this inspiring lady has made everyone who has judged others unfairly to open their eyes and see we are all more than the sum of our parts and we are much more than we appear to be.

There are many of us in this world who are ridiculed and judged by what people see on the outside. Susan has shown the world what can be perceived can be believed and achieved, we just need a chance to prove ourselves.

The story below was copied from the www.bigpond.com website and I hope it will inspire all of us that our hopes and dreams can come true if we are strong enough to take the criticism, snide looks and comments.

Singing spinster becomes a sensation

A 47-year-old Scottish charity volunteer who claims never to have been kissed has become an international media sensation amid reports she is set to cash in with a quick record deal.

By Thursday, a video clip of Susan Boyle’s stunning singing debut on the Britain’s Got

Talent television show last weekend had been viewed by over 12 million people on YouTube, with the numbers rising fast.

US actress Demi Moore was apparently moved to tears by the clip, while the story has been picked up around the world, with Australian, US and other broadcasters reportedly queuing up for interviews.

“Susan has clearly wowed the audience, the judges and the world with a truly fantastic performance,” said Tom Kerr, leader of West Lothian council in Scotland where Boyle lives alone with a cat called Pebbles.

The West Lothian Courier, her local paper, added that she was “doing what the Beatles did in the 60s” – that is, taking the United States by storm, as the Fab Four did four decades ago.

And, while press coverage in Britain was relatively muted, media elsewhere are lapping up the story.

“UK talent show stunned by Scottish virgin Susan Boyle,” ran Australia’s Herald Sun newspaper in Melbourne.

American global news channel CNN said it had been flooded with messages about the spinster, who was filmed tucking into a sandwich shortly before taking to the stage.

The San Francisco Chronicle, under the headline “Just Who Is The Singer Susan Boyle?” noted that “Unless you live under a rock, you know about the Scottish woman who has taken the industrialised world by storm”.

In Britain coverage has been low key – perhaps due to the fact that Britain’s Got Talent is shown on private broadcaster ITV and the story is therefore not highlighted by rival news channels.

The frumpy-looking Boyle drew sniggers when she walked on stage on the weekend show, saying she dreamed of emulating West End star Elaine Page.

Shortly before the performance she told the show’s hosts backstage: “I live on my own with my cat called Pebbles, but I’ve never been married, I’ve never been kissed.”

Boyle has been singing since 12, she said.

“I’ve always wanted to perform in front of a large audience. I’m going to make that audience rock,” she added.

When she began to sing, the panel of three judges led by music guru Simon Cowell was visibly shocked, and the audience in Glasgow rose to its feet, as her voiced soared through ‘I Dreamed A Dream’ from Les Miserables.

“Without a doubt that was the biggest surprise I have had in three years of this show,” said judge Piers Morgan, admitting that before her performance “everyone was laughing at you”.

“No-one is laughing now. That was stunning.”.

Cowell is already lining up a record deal for her, Britain’s Press Association reported, while versions of the Les Miserables song she sang entered the midweek singles chart here and the iTunes chart.

US actress Moore posted the comment “It made me teary” on her Twitter page, after viewing the clip.

Boyle’s success – she is now favourite to win the British talent show – has drawn comparisons with Paul Potts, an opera-singing mobile phone salesman who won in 2007. Potts went on to have number one albums in 15 countries.

Britain’s Got Talent

A “Fair Go” – Is that a joke?

Australia prides itself as a country that is a Democracy where everyone is Equal, where Free Speech and a “Fair Go” is embedded in our culture. It’s what our ANZAC fought for in WW1 and WW2 and still fight for in Afghanistan, Iraq and many other less talked about conflicts around the world. Australia through disasters is where we can see such spirit not like anywhere else in the world, the country as a whole come together to help those devastated by disaster.

My question here I guess, What sets us apart from Communism, Fascism, Socialism and what truly is Democracy?

Australia’s history is based on majorly on convicts coming here, populating this country, creating a society at the expense of Indigenous ownership for which we have only just said an apology for. For some historian’s, this was equalled to Australia’s own civil war, were major and bloodied battles were fought between the Aboriginal owners and White settlers. These are major events in our short history not recognised by the War Memorial in Canberra. It’s a disgrace to those who lived and fought those battles, not shared in our history books and is hidden part of Australia’s history.

Our judicial system is just a joke where a “Fair Go” is lost in political contamination, where the poor are more often discriminated against because they can not afford to pay for the “Fair Go” which often ends in imprisonment. The judicial system is suppose to be “Innocent until proven Guilty” but from my own experience your “Guilty until your prove yourself Innocent” and no matter how much you try and prove your innocence the task can seem impossible and often is. Even when you have paid for your crime by forfeiting your freedom or what ever penalty you have to pay to society you never really become free. You find when you apply for employment, entering a competition you never escape the past the crime committed and for which you have paid for and end up paying the high cost until you die. In the case of employment I must say if the business is involved in the area of where the crime was committed I can understand, e.g. stealing money by embezzlement, that person should not work in an area where they are dealing with money. I believe it is the right of the employer is to request a police clearance but only that information should be supplied relating to the type of employment, nothing else. No particulars of the crime should be disclosed.

Just goes to show, even if imprisoned and you served your time many freedoms and an individual’s privacy is lost forever. Well should say, unless your from the “big end of town” in which case more often than not, can prove their innocence even if sometimes they are guilty and have the money and connections to make that happen.

A recent example was in the television game show “Deal or No Deal” where a woman who committed and paid for her crime was asked on the application form about criminal history. What does it have to do with a television program anyway? After circling “NO” she was picked as the contestant. Was it a major factor in her being picked?, makes you wonder. Anyway, after playing and winning X amount of dollars she was made ineligible because she was convicted of a criminal offence many years earlier. Way I see it, her past is none of television stations business and had nothing to do with any crime she may of committed, for which she already paid a penalty for. She didn’t profit from the crime committed she just played a game. Her mistake was circling NO in the first place but still comes down too her freedoms and privacy. How the television station knew she had was not disclosed from memory. All I am aware of she suffered an addiction to gambling and stole money to pay for that gambling addiction. After conviction she was given help to overcome that addiction. In her case the mental health system was able to help her.

However, overall our mental health system has failed, often resulting in terrible crimes being committed that if the system was there for them in 99% of criminal and other cases would of been avoided. The closure of mental health centres, the under-staffing and reduction in mental health services have attributed to major crimes increases. Known mental health patience suffering schizophrenia, abandoned by the mental health services committing murders which as been the case most recently.

In the 80’s I was seeing a psychiatrist, I have no shame in shame in saying that, he helped me come to terms with much of my childhood and other emotional problems. In my case though it took a disgusting crime committed by me on another, which I totally accept responsibility for, even to the point of attempting a failed suicide attempt which I believed I deserved. But, that lead to the help I needed, which I believe helped me enormously. BUT once my bond was over so was the help I needed stopped too. That goes to show that the mental health system was and it has continually declined more and more over the decades.

South Australia, where I live, is only a small part of the wider Australia but is more and more becoming a police state where freedoms and the addict “A Fair Go” for all is lost. Take the case about a Thomas Easling subjected to false allegations. This was no ordinary case but was filled with police falsifying evidence, inducements to witnesses, witness intimidation even government interference. However after a long, drawn out and expensive criminal case the case was dismissed but what Tom Easling fights for now is a Royal Commission to look into the case with little interest by the government. It is not a matter of cost, the victim in this has offered to pay for it himself, of course there is no response from the government. If he didn’t have some substantial backing of well known friends and supporters he might of been a statistic of those innocent person’s convicted of crimes they didn’t commit. The case of Thomas Easling was a prime example of falsified evidence, political contamination and a certain department of the police force strived to get him convicted of a crime he was innocent of. He was one of the lucky ones, the majority do not have the representation and backing as Tom Easling did. Now the call for a Royal Commission is not going far we have a government with something to hide. Only with the Royal Commission can this injustice right be righted and see what extent of corruption lays hidden in South Australian system.

These are not isolated cases, there are many quite questionable cases out there. Another was a man arrested and charged with murder. During the court case the prosecution lead witness was found to be the actual murderer but the court case still went ahead and it was reported that this was known by the prosecutor and police involved in the case.

After lengthy researched by me I am unable to find out the result of that case but it was highlighted in a Current Affairs program but since it seems it has been swept under the carpet. I hope not as it’s a great injustice that I believe many have faced within our court system, where your “GUILTY” until you prove yourself “INNOCENT”. What does this say about a so called Democratic Society where just the basic human rights and the “Fair Go” becomes just a myth something we boast but doesn’t really exist ANYMORE.

Well hope my bitch didn’t bore you too much. Just to make it clear, I love my country and believe its one of the best in this small world but until Australia becomes a signatory of the UN mandate on human rights we have no right to criticise other countries on their poor records.

My cynical look at the world around us.

As usual not much is happening in my life, have made some new friends, some of whom would make ideal partners in life. Sadly though, through life’s irony is they seem to live overseas. The Internet has given us all an avenue to meet people and learn new cultures from all over this beautiful world to which we all live.

Sadly it’s a world divided by intolerance created I believe by the many ideals of religion. Myself although not religious, I respect other peoples beliefs but with the many radical beliefs out there based on the control of others and not because of a high spiritual belief. It is to control the way people live their lives with fear and threats of violence through torture and other inhumane means. We have even seen it in so called “Moral Countries” like America who have participated in torture, restriction of human rights yet are the first to condemn those other countries who do the same. Countries like Australia and the so called Coalitions Partners also get dirty by their hands just by association by these practices.

Anyway, It’s finally good to see a new President in the White House, let hope he can pick up the pieces and finally do some good in the world. First they have to get off their high horse and see they are not the moral guardians of the world instead maybe be one of those countries that helps guide the world as a whole with all countries participating, if America wants to take the lead chair that’s fine but the world has to work together and not for each own personal gain.

One major cause is the inequality between those rich countries and those third world countries, I believe though a lot of problems in those third world countries is the level of government corruption where monies going to them are pocketed and not used for the purposes intended. Until that changes the peoples of those countries will never improve their lives. Aid agencies have their hands tied when it comes to the aid provided but any aid needs to be taken out of governments control, which is being done but those regimes find ways around it, usually through fear and intimidation

The United Nations is a marvellous institution but has it really got any power or is it just a glorified Aid Provider? I’d like to think with almost the whole world represented there, some good could be done but not really sure anything really is, only self indulgent posturing and squabble between nations who have grudges against one another often from past history that happen decades before most of the population was even born. Some countries like China and Russia have made so many positive leaps forward but end up taking almost as many steps backwards when it comes to human rights and freedom of speech. If I have any criticism of the United Nations is their reluctance of including Homosexuality as a basic human right, probably another religion based control of our freedoms involved there too. I find it laughable that the Vatican can promote “Love Thy Neighbour, Tolerance and Understanding” yet deny equality for homosexuals and women.

If there is a God up there looking down “he, she, alien’s, hermaphrodite” whatever must be shaking their head a lot, what have we seen recently,

World Financial Crisis (caused by GREED), Floods, Droughts, Higher Temperatures, Violent Weather, Ice Age in the UK, Melting Ice Caps, Rising Sea Levels caused by Global Warming. The loss of food and other resources and now the junk yard and garbage in space surrounding us things have really been messed up.

I think God seen it all happening and is now concentrating on the rest of the universe. Well it stands to reason someone all mighty must have the ability to see the future and has just left the Earth to its own destructions, God just sits back watching the comedy channel called “Planet Earth” laughing at us.

Thinking about rising sea level, I remember the story of Noah’s Ark and how God sent down the rain to flood the world of its evil sinners. I have one question for anyone out there in Internet land hear of any big boats being built and animals being collected let me know ha-ha

Anyway people I will leave it here. Take care of yourselves and your loved one because no other bastard will.

Another Year Comes

It has been sometime since I have added to my Blog, sorry to those if any actually read it. Firstly I hope everyone had a good Christmas and New Years celebrations, didn’t get too full of food or drank yourself silly.

What has happened since my last entry. Have made many changes in my life, been going out more, going to more events like Feast Festival, Picnic in the Park (gay/lesbian event), held in November.

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I am about to join a group called Bear Men of Adelaide. I have been attending the group’s gathering at the Metropolitan Hotel at least every 2nd Friday night for sometime and even sometimes found myself at the Mars Bar, gay/lesbian nightclub open to everyone although those who are homophobic tend not to go there of course Rolling on the floor.

In October 2008 I went with my friends, Wayde and Aaron to a farm in a small town called Nildottie. It was something different for me, I haven’t stayed away from home for so long for many years. After being a hermit for so many years I think it was good for me. Anyway the event will hopefully become an annual event, held October long weekend here. The event is now called BearDottie so I hope it works out that way and become an Australia wide event. I hope it works out for Shaun who own the farm and Raf, his partner.

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My Christmas day was spent at my mothers for lunch, only real time I see the whole family together. I spent numerous hours there before coming home. On the way home I called into Reno’s house then once home went to visit my neighbour who spent Christmas home alone. Kerry has no real contact with family so as a good neighbour Big Grin I called in there and stayed for a while.

It is sad in this world of ours so many face Christmas alone without family around them. Someone far from home, like Australia’s troops over in Iraq and Afghanistan but even within our own countries. As I have gotten older Christmas had become less important, just another day among many. As my nieces and nephew have grown up Christmas I thought wouldn’t be the same but because they have grown up they have matured enough to actually become more interesting. The toils and tribulations of their lives have become more complex. Shaun is married and now an expectant father, Roxanne has lost more weight and travelled a bit more, living life to the full. Kimberley has a boyfriend for 2 Christmas in a row so maybe that is the next marriage in the family. Then there is Karley, her new found wild life getting more and more involved. She hasn’t found herself a girlfriend yet but I keep asking her.

To a Friend & Neighbour – Always Remembered

Tuckwell, Patrick John

17th March 1936 – 28th August 2008

  • Beloved husband of Lesley Tuckwell (deceased)
  • Loving partner of Judy.
  • Adored father of Chris, Rae, John, Allen, Gary, Danny, Tim and Tony
  • Much loved step-father of Deb, Kath, Carol and Brad.
  • Will be sadly missed by all his grandchildren and great-grandchildren

I first met Pat after moving next door in April 2004. As the houses filled in our little corner of the world he became very much a father figure to us all. Greeting us with a smile, he treated us with respect, accepting our many differences and help bring us together as our own little community formed. He will be greatly missed by all here at Dicksons Court where he enriched and touched our lives. All of us will greatly miss his jovial laughter and quick wit. Always remembered by Reno, Steve, Mick, Fay, Troy and Kerry.

Update 1st November, 2008

Sadly Pat’s long-time partner Judy passed away not long after Pat. Now Pat and Judy are back together looking down at us all.

Rest In Peace
Pat & Judy

Another Birthday Gone But Not Easily Forgotten

It’s strange as from a young age all children wait for day of their birthday. Sure we celebrate milestone birthdays like 16th, 18th and 21st, even when older like 40th, 50th and 80th then if you live that long 100 years old. Anyway it gets to the stage in your life where your birthday is just another day and the time between one birthday to the next gets shorter and shorter.

Some people get to the stage where celebrating is just too hard, torments of past birthdays maybe or the fact of getting older itself. Guess everyone has one of those birthdays where you feel it’s destroyed by something bad happening, usually and totally out of anyone’s control. Thinking back over the years of my birthdays of course I see some good ones. My home life was not always great growing up but still looked forward to that day where I could be the centre of the household, celebration of my day of birth. The first greatest birthday marked by youth of today and even when I was growing up is sweet 16, when your young it’s a special day.

As much as others in my family and my friends see this event as special, something inside just can not get physically and mentally excited about it, It’s a feeling I have felt for a long time, many years in fact.

Until this year think my worst birthday was my 16th Birthday, 28th of August, 1979 if I remember right was a Wednesday. Of course can not throw a birthday party in the middle of a school week so we intended throwing, maybe not so much a party but instead, more of a get together on Saturday the 1st of September. It was mid to late afternoon, getting things ready when there was a knock at the front door. It was the police coming to tell us my father had died while on fishing trip. Why he was not home is a long story but he’d been away for almost 2 weeks, after one of the worst household arguments ever. He was up at the river fishing and had walked down a path, others using that area too just saw him drop from a heart attack. So that was an abrupt end to any kind of celebration.

Think what changed my perceptions of birthdays was sometime before I turned 17 and I had to get a extraction of my birth certificate for driver’s licence purposes. Up until that time my birth date was the 28th of August, 1963. If anyone has read my past blog entries will know how my pre 16 life was and the details of my birth. Anyway once I got the extract certificate, think it totally changed and increased my self loathing, confusion and feelings of worthlessness. The date written on the extract put my birth date on the 27th of August, 1963. Sure jokingly I made fun that I had 2 birthday’s but inside it devastated my perceptions of my life, made me feel like my life to that time was one big joke. Although I until now I still see the 28th as my birthday and if have to celebrate my birthday could never do it on the 27th.

Over the years birthdays have come and gone, even though they may not mean much to me except another year older, family and friends see a significance in the occasion. Over the years have missed some birthdays, mine and other family members birthdays due to circumstance beyond my control. This year I turned 45 years old and although until the 28th this year I thought my worst birthday was my 16th birthday, but this year totally overwhelms me more than any birthday in the past.

It was 3:40 am in the morning, I woke up as my friend Reno who turned 45 on the 24th of August was over my next door neighbours house for birthdays drinks. Reno like Pat, my neighbour, loved their alcohol and as with anyone with this type of illness a few drinks more often turns into too many. Reno was suppose to be staying at my place and when I noticed he wasn’t home went to my neighbours, I thought maybe Reno had fallen asleep, so I went to make sure everything was alright and bring back to my place.

As I went into my neighbours driveway the carport door was open but neither Pat or Reno seemed to be there. As I walked in, it took a few second for my eyes to focus properly in the corner of the carport was my neighbour. He had fallen and hit his head on a steel fence beam. I checked his pulse but when I touched him he was ice cold. Reno must have fallen asleep inside, living with Reno for some years I learn even when drunk if he had been asleep. Anyway Reno came out from the house just as I got off the phone to the ambulance service. With the torment of Police and Investigators being around most of the day, questions on what happened and the circumstance surrounding it, I am not sure how I coped, I couldn’t let myself feel emotion, I just felt like a zombie trying to keep myself together. Wasn’t until later that day the coroner made the determination that he had fallen hitting his head, tried to get up and suffered a heart attack which was very quick thankfully.

What scared me the most is I thought it was Reno at first, something that has worried me, even scared me for sometime when Reno was living with me. Reno and I have been friends since high school, meaning no disrespect to Pat, who was a great friend, part of me is glad that fear hasn’t happened. Now because of that feeling not to mention the mental and physical anguish of finding Pat I think it will take sometime to recover within myself. Even so, every year now, this day will haunt me but as with many ghosts from my past have no choice but to cope as best I can and at least try and move on with life.

One good thing, living in a close group of houses we all developed an overall friendship between us, so when something like this happens of course it affect us all. So the support we are giving each other in this, the hardest of times, the loss of not just one of our neighbours but a great friend will help us all to come to terms with and in time deal this tragedy.

G’day my friends

What actually started in 1996, a very difficult year for me. But have been the real torture started towards the end of 1998living day to day since 1999, a very difficult year with some difficult years too follow after. Its my step out the closet in 2001 that first brought a brighter future. It got better before it went downhill. Have had moments of moving up but something happens to kick me back down again. Quite frustrating. I have placed myself back to my little corner of the world, keeping to myself and feeling depressingly lonely. The idea of what’s to come seems to keep me locked away from the world. What restrictions will be placed up on me and how long that will keep me locked away.

Sounds stupid, I say keeping to myself but I don’t live alone. Have an old friend living with me. He is “sexually challenged”, which in my terminology means “straight”. He accepts I am gay and in some ways comes across as “homophobic”. Anyway he is my care giver, basically does the things I can not do easily, like cleaning. But it’s not without its problems, he is not well himself. His illness is both self inflicted but also a sickness, that I and others have tried to help with.

All I can do right now is wait and see what’s to come, at least I will know more. Just seems no matter what even after almost 7 years since my life changed and the past was supposed to be behind me, it seems there is no escape from it ever and I just have to adjust to the changes to come.

Who am I? Why was I born? (Pt 4)

It was 1972 and life was much the same, tormented at school. In one incident I was pushed off a bridge, 3 metres to the rocked creek below landing on my back, the kids responsible ran off laughing. A teenager jumped down to help me, although I was crying I was not really hurt.

Me 1972

A normal day at school, being bullied during lunch at school, someone came from no-where, scare them away and as I lay on the ground he offered me his hand and helped me to my feet.

He and I were to become good friends, not sure it was a good match or not, I was the bullied and he was rebel. A year older than me we spend a lot of time together, weekends and at school. He was also a black-belt in a martial art and using me to practise on but he was gentle and did not hurt me. His family lived near the local creek and one day when his parents were out somewhere was the day I first faced something that could have been much worse.

I do not remember it as in fear but as more a brush with real harm, maybe death. He had gotten his father’s rifle out of the cupboard where it was stored. It was a 22 calibre rifle and as he pointed it at me and pulled the trigger there was a loud bang. I do not believe he knew it was loaded but I felt it pass the side of my head where it imbedded into the wall behind me. Although we both laughed it off, it could have been more serious.

As with now like it was then, I think I had no fear of what could have happened it just one of those memories that never leave you.

He and I were only friends for less than a year, which ended basically with something we both did, which lead to one day he not coming to school and when I went to his house found they had moved. I never saw him again and often wondered what ever happened to him. What we did still after so many years still makes me feel ashamed, although at the time it was something that just happened. I am just as responsible for what happened although he made the first move into breaking into Newton Primary School.

It was weekend at the time, we were playing in the playground there where he picked up a rock, throwing it at a window. After it broke we climbed in, where we totally trashed the school, moving from room to room systematically breaking things, creating a massive mess, breaking more windows. It was Sunday night and I guess the immense guilt over what we did finally hit. I believe coming out telling my mother was the right thing to do, I did at the time however had massive guilt I dobbed in my friend, he protected me from the bullying and I betrayed him. But I could not live with what I did and as much as I hated the school, the teachers and students there what I participated in was wrong and given the time again I would have still done the same thing.

The Monday came and my mother brought me to the school where we saw the Principle. I do not remember much of what happened on that Monday. My friend was called into the office with the police attending. As he and I sat in the waiting room I said I was sorry to him but the consequences did not seem to bother him. Maybe it was his rebel persona not sure but he did not seem to be worried about it at all.

After it was all done I was sent to class like nothing had happened but what I participated in was to haunt me for a very long time. As he was gone he I faced the wrath of the school alone, singled out by teachers and other students. Some of my days after were spent in cleaning up some of what we had done. The bullying went back to the way it was and even more so it was coming from the teachers as well. Anyway, do not remember being suspended for any days but I was to face a juvenile court. At home though the consequences were worse than ever, my mother shielded me from most of it but it was the worst time of arguing between my parents. As for my friend, saw him on the Monday, by the end of the week his house went vacant and never saw him again. What consequences he faced I was never to find out.

In 1973 a new family moved across the road. As kids do they become friends quicker than adults but eventually our families soon became friends.

Also the new neighbours and my family’s friendship became closer, the parent having social nights where our parent spent time playing cards. Their oldest son, David who was 12 years old and I was 10, we soon became close friends. We became closer friends I think because we both shared things in common. I faced physical, mental and verbal abuse, David also faced the same things as well. For months at a time he would be locked in his bedroom, only allowed out to eat, shower and go to school. His father was Polish and his mother was Indian. I was lucky in some ways as my mother shielded me as best she could but David’s mother was not able to do the same. As I found out in later life Indian women were generally subservient to their husbands especially in those days. David also had 2 sisters, one was just a baby and the other was doted on by the father. If she said David had done something he was punished even when he had done nothing wrong.

Once when their family went on a social picnic, David accidentally locked the keys in the car boot. His father totally abused him verbally and told him to go home. David walked more than 50 km home, from the Adelaide foothills. It was quite late at night by the time he managed to get home, by that time his mother was frantic, but his father was in bed asleep.

I never faced that sort of abuse that he did but it made us closer friends. On weekends I would sleep over in David’s room, even if David was restricted to his bedroom.

Playboy Magazine Covers of the 1970’s

One night we were talking and David pulled out a couple of playboy magazines, he laid on his bed and I was sleeping on the floor. We were looking at the magazines, both in our underwear when David came down from the bed to the floor next to me. As we were looking at the same magazine he started talking about sex. After awhile he started rubbing my bottom, I started to get really scared. All that happened when I was 8 years old started flooding back. As he put his hand under my underwear I started to cry and my body started to shake. David asked me what was wrong, I did not tell what happened to me. He kissed me on the cheek and said “I will not hurt you”. I do not know why but I did not feel scared anymore. Maybe cause he showed me affection, I do not know. By this time he had removed his hand from under my underwear and we just laid looking at the same magazine. Eventually he started talking about sex positions. He got me in the wheelbarrow position, spread my legs apart to demonstrate, not that I could see anyway. It was then I felt a hard lump in his underwear press against me. We laid down again and I could see the large lump in his underwear. He asked me if I wanted to look, when he pulled down his underwear it popped up. He was really big and uncut, but made me get erect also. My penis though compared to him was tiny. He showed me how to masturbate, it was my first time to masturbate. After we finished he went on to his bed, I stayed on the floor and we went to sleep.

I did not see much of David during the week but I stayed at his house both Friday, our parents had a card night and I also stayed Saturday night. On Saturday we did the same, looking at Playboy magazines and the same thing happened where David came to the floor with me. We lay there looking at the naked women when David started playing with my bottom again, this time I did not mind and did not feel scared like the weekend before. He then started tickling my anus with his finger, said “I will not hurt you”. It tickled a little then his finger went in a little. I looked at him worried but he kissed me again, all I could do was smile. He pulled down and took off his underwear and did the same to me. We both laid there naked, asked me if we could try the wheelbarrow position again. David reached for a jar and place a cream around my anus. As I got into position, I felt the cream on his finger go a little way inside me. I felt my legs open apart and felt his hard penis go inside me a little but it did not hurt, it felt kind of funny I could feel him go little deeper inside me but when I made a noise he stopped, took it out a little then slowly go back in a little more. I remember it felt really nice then he started breathing heavy and felt warm inside. He asked for me to try it on him but after trying we found my penis was too small ha-ha.

After that night, David and my connection lead to a sexual relationship that lasted until I was about 12, but I cannot be 100% sure if could call David my boyfriend.

I believe we were just drawn together because of commonality in our home lives. Like me he was physically and mentally abuse at home by his father, maybe that is what sort us to seek some form of affection from each other, but I do know it was something I continued to crave after David and I stopped the closeness we shared together.

Mar 14, 2008: What happened with David I became to realise that I maybe gay. At 10 years old really did not know what gay really was. The incident with David was just the start of the realisation, even when I was younger I found myself attracted to other boys, even those who tormented and bullied me. I must say it was a confusing time for me, which would last throughout my teenage years. Anyway moving along.

An incident in 1974, I think lead to a change in my life which maybe lead for the better life outside of home that is.

Towards the end of the first school term while in class I was sitting in front of what is called a “Tomboy”. She was constantly hitting me, sticking me with a drawing pin, pulling my hair, I tried very hard not to let her bother me, which was not easy. I believe the teacher, an older teacher knew but did nothing about it. The teacher I think did not like me from the incident the year before. She often berated me, failed me in assignment and grades. But it was nothing unusual to me, am sure many teachers from the previous year held some sort of dislike for me.

Anyway during class she continued to torment me and then told me after school she was going to bash me, beat me up. At the end of school I went to my locker, got my bag, thinking if I was quick I could get home. It was not to be, when I went outside the building there she was but what surprised me was all the other kids there. It seemed like the whole school was there, of course it wasn’t. I tried to get away but had no-where to go. She attacked me so I defended myself, still trying to get away. I managed to get her to the ground when a young teacher came out, stopped the fight, sending the students away, she took me inside. She saw what happened from an upstairs classroom. After everyone had left she told me to go straight home.

Once I left the school and crossed the main road I walk around the corner where 3 boys waited for me, as I passed them at the creek bridge they started hurling abuse at me, following close behind me. While tormenting me with verbal abuse, they were throwing things at me, coming up pushing me. I tried very hard to ignore them, I knew if I was to run they would chase me. As I walked home we passed a telephone box where the glass had been broken. I felt one of them poured broken glass down my back then was kicked in the lower back, I started crying but tried to hide it.

As I turned the corner to a driveway of someone we knew, a friend of my mothers, one got too close. I totally lost control I did a move reminiscent of “The Undertaker” on that American Wrestling show. I grabbed him by the throat into the air then smashed to the ground where I had been pulled off him by my mother’s friend. If she had not seen it and come out I’d probably would have choked him to death. At the time I grabbed the guy the other 2 boys quickly ran away. When I got inside my mother’s friends house they could see blood and when I took my shirt off there was a cut in my lower back from the glass. I knew who the boys were as they lived on the same street as me and often tormented me. The following day taken to school by my mother and at the end of the school term I was switched to another school.

What consequences they faced from what they did I do not know, but after that day I rarely saw those boys, they never bothered me again.

Started at Thorndon Park Primary, 2nd term, 1974. I had to catch the bus to the school as it was near the foothills, my mother would come with me the first few times, then went by myself. Anyway, I started in what was known as a “special class”. Special class is for children with learning disabilities, for me it helped me improve my mathematics. Sadly as it was a special class its students were teased by other students but there was no bullying or anything physical that I ever saw. I was in the special class for only one term but friends I made there lasted for many years after. At the end of the second term I was to move into a grade 5 class, so I was dropped a year from grade 6. I did not mind plus I think it helped my level of education, I even developed a liking of mathematics.

Anyway my friends, I will leave this here. It is my first real sexual experience and maybe boyfriend.

Who am I? Why was I born? (Pt3)

Before reading further I must warn you what is to follow is a graphic account of an incident from my childhood, which you could find upsetting. So please proceed with caution.

Me @ 8 Years Old

Something in 1971 when I was 8 years old, even more so made me feel the depths of my worthlessness which was a more severe feeling than what was the common form of victimisation I faced in my early life. But this day was in a personal invasive way and is difficult to talk about especially in this type of forum, but here goes.

There was a woman up the street I use to go to often to get away from my father and the house. She was a lovely lady who treated me like I was worth something, talked to me, gave me sweets, was a really nice lady. She had an older son, Barry who was about 17 years old at the time. It was a normal day I went over there to see her but this day she was not home. In those days the occult and what was known as devil music hit the scene. Singers like Alice Cooper, Deep Purple, etc. Barry was home with another friend around the same age called Taylor.

Maybe can call it naive but I was only 8 years old, they asked me if I would be a sacrifice, I thought it would be fun so I said yes. I walked into his bedroom, it was dark and there were lit candles around the room. I do not remember the music being played, was something I never heard before. It was like it was playing backwards, can not really explain but it sound like very heavy metal sound. They stripped me naked, put a blind fold on and place me on a desk. It was not overly big desk my lower legs hanged over the edge. As I laid there one of them tied my hand, my elbows bent over my head. I couldn’t move my arms up or back towards my head very much. Barry was talking to me, saying things I can even remember now, I couldn’t see anything because of the blind fold. Then one of them tied my legs at the ankles and my legs hung up and I couldn’t move them down and just hung in the air. I could hear Barry and Taylor talking in the back ground and the music went up.

I could feel something wet being drawn on my chest and stomach, big shapes in a wet liquid with one of their fingers. They seemed to be talking some funny language. I remember it was funny because I giggled. One of them was at my head and the other at my side. They drew large shapes on my chest and stomach as they made the funny sounds. After it stopped I could hear them whispering and then I felt something soft start at my forehead working its way down the centre of my body. It felt like a feather and it moved down between my legs and tickled my bottom. I was giggling through this and I could hear them giggling as well. I felt one of them place their hands on my shoulders and then felt something very pointy as they started talking funny again. It was cold as it touched my forehead and felt it move down my face on to my chest and down my body. It was very pointy and it hurt as it pressed on my stomach as it moved down it touch my penis and went over my testicles down to my anus.

I started sobbing because I could feel the now sharp point into my anus and it was starting to hurt. The music went louder and I could feel something hot hitting my body but was hot for a couple of seconds. It felt like candle wax as it hit your skin then cools again. It was sprinkled over my body, on to my penis and testicle which hurt and I started crying more. I felt one of them move between my hanging legs, then could feel something very smooth and thick press onto my anus. I started calling my my mother as it pushed inside me, it moved in a bit then out and then I felt it go in deeper, I was crying so much one of them turned my head to the side so I wouldn’t choke on my own saliva.

My whole body was shaking and I tried to move my arms and legs but I couldn’t move them then it stopped. I could feel my whole body shaking and was sweating. My head was pounding and I couldn’t breath. I could feel liquid coming from my anus, still crying I felt something hard again enter inside me but it wasn’t like before, was smooth but not as thick, they were making loud sounds in the their funny language and my head was still being held to the side by one of them. As the object was moving in and out of me I could feel something touching my legs on either side, it was not as painful as before but still really hurt, then it stopped and I felt a warm liquid covering my penis and testicles. I felt my head release and I tried to moved then my head was being held again. I was still sobbing wildly when I felt someone move between my legs again. They started chanting as I felt something thicker but still soft push into my anus and I started crying again, it moved in and out fast then slow. My saliva was flowing from my mouth as it was held to the side. It went on for what felt an eternity and then it came out my anus and I felt this hot wet stuff spray on too my body.

Everything stopped after that and I felt something wiping me, still crying I could hear them whispering in the background. I could hear and feel them to the side of me as they spoke their language again. It sounded like chanting like someone was praying, something about the Lord Satan, not even sure it what was said.

After a while I felt my legs and arms get in tied and one of them carried me to a chair. My body shaking and still crying they removed the blind fold. Barry got a wet cloth and wiped me down, I felt so weak and sick, my body hot and wet as they both started wiping me down. I tired to stand up but could hardly move. The room was still dark with candles still burning sweet smell in the room like incense. When they finished wiping me down and they redressed me.

Barry kneeled down in front of me and told me that I had been sacrifice to the devil, that I belonged to him now and if I was to tell anyone he would come take me away to hell forever. It was a couple of hours before they let me go home, gave me a drink and some sweets before letting me go home. I lived only a few houses away but felt like it was miles away. When I got home mum and dad were asleep on their chairs, my brother sitting there watching television and I went straight to the toilet. My anus was so sore that it made me cry and when I wiped could see red on the paper, it was red sore and I bled for weeks after.

For years I had nightmares and was afraid of dark places, thinking the devil was there waiting for me. My dreams were of things under my bed and under the table and if I looked I would be attacked by the monster hiding there.

As time went on the memory faded, well became suppressed in my mind. I guess some of you people who have read this ask yourselves why I never said anything to anyone. The early 70’s was much different to how it is these day, these things were rarely reported and were never really talked about. Its only in the last 20 or so years that this sort of abuse was reported and the education and help was not available then like it is now. I guess that is not much of an excuse. Anyway, I never told anyone what had happened that day until I told my ex wife some 30 years later and then could only tell her in a written letter.

Well I’ll leave this part and take a rest before I continue further. Reliving this event in my life has very taxing, mentally and physically.

I am not sure if what’s been written makes much sense, even today 38 years later the memory is still there, just being able to talk about it, not just here but firstly to my ex wife and also to psychiatrist has enabled me to keep moving forward in my life.

Only by facing the demons of the past can we find our angel in the future.