Before reading further I must warn you what is to follow is a graphic account of an incident from my childhood, which you could find upsetting. So please proceed with caution. I never told anyone what had happened that day until I told my ex-wife 30 years later and then could only tell her in a written letter. Re-living this event in my life has very taxing, mentally and physically. I am not sure if what’s been written makes much sense. Even today 38 years later the memory is still there, just being able to talk about it, not just here but firstly to my ex-wife and also to a psychiatrist has enabled me to keep moving forward in my life.
Only by facing the demons of the past can we find our angel in the future.
Something in 1971 when I was 8 years old, even more so made me feel the depths of my worthlessness which was a more severe feeling than what was the common form of victimization I faced in my early life. But this day was in a personal invasive way and is difficult to talk about especially in this type of forum, but here goes.
There was a woman up the street I use to go to often to get away from my father and the house. She was a lovely lady who treated me like I was worth something, talked to me, gave me sweets, was a really nice lady. She had an older son, Jim who was about 17 years old at the time. It was a normal day I went over there to see her but this day she was not home. In those days the occult and what was known as devil music hit the scene. Singers like Alice Cooper, Deep Purple, etc. Jim was home with another friend around the same age called Taylor. Maybe can call it naive, but I was only 8 years old, they asked me if I would be a sacrifice, I thought it would be fun, so I said yes.
I walked into his bedroom, it was dark and there were lit candles around the room. I do not remember the music being played; it was something I never heard before. It was like it was playing backwards, cannot really explain, but it sounds like very heavy metal sound.
They stripped me naked, put a blindfold on and place me on a desk. It was not overly big desk my lower legs hanged over the edge. As I laid there one of them tied my hand, my elbows bent over my head. I couldn’t move my arms up or back towards my head very much. Jim was talking to me, saying things I cannot even remember now, I couldn’t see anything because of the blindfold. Then one of them tied my legs at the ankles and my legs hung up, and I couldn’t move them down and just hung in the air.
I could hear Jim and Taylor talking in the background and the music went up. I could feel something wet being drawn on my chest and stomach, big shapes in a wet liquid with one of their fingers. They seemed to be talking some funny language. I remember it was funny because I giggled. One of them was at my head and the other at my side. They drew large shapes on my chest and stomach as they made the funny sounds. After it stopped, I could hear them whispering, and then I felt something soft start at my forehead working its way down the center of my body. It felt like a feather, and it moved down between my legs and tickled my bottom. I was giggling through this, and I could hear them giggling as well. I felt one of them place their hands on my shoulders and then felt something very pointy as they started talking funny again. It was cold as it touched my forehead and felt it move down my face on to my chest and down my body. It was very pointy, and it hurt as it pressed on my stomach as it moved down it touch my penis and went over my testicles down to my anus. I started sobbing because I could feel the now sharp point into my anus, and it was starting to hurt. The music went louder, and I could feel something hot hitting my body but was hot for a couple of seconds. It felt like candle wax as it hit your skin then cools again. It was sprinkled over my body, on to my penis and testicle which hurt, and I started crying more. I felt one of them move between my hanging legs, then could feel something very smooth and thick press onto my anus. I started calling my mother as it pushed inside me, it moved in a bit then out, and then I felt it go in deeper. I was crying so much one of them turned my head to the side, so I wouldn’t choke on my own saliva. My whole body was shaking, and I tried to move my arms and legs, but I couldn’t move them then it stopped. I could feel my entire body shaking and was sweating. My head was pounding and I couldn’t breathe. I could feel liquid coming from my anus, still crying I felt something hard again enter inside me, but it wasn’t like before. It was smooth but not as thick, they were making loud sounds in the funny language and my head was still being held to the side by one of them. As the object was moving in and out of me, I could feel something touching my legs on either side. It was not as painful as before but still really hurt, then it stopped, and I felt a warm liquid covering my penis and testicles. I felt my head release and I tried to moved then my head was being held again. I was still sobbing wildly when I felt someone move between my legs again. They started chanting as I felt something thicker but still soft push into my anus and I started crying again, it moved in and out fast then slow. My saliva was flowing from my mouth as it was held to the side. It went on for what felt an eternity, and then it came out my anus and I felt this hot wet stuff spray on too my body. Everything stopped after that, and I felt something wiping me, still crying I could hear them whispering in the background. I could hear and feel them to the side of me as they spoke their language again. It sounded like chanting like someone was praying, something about the Lord Satan, not even sure it what was said. After a while I felt my legs and arms get in tied and one of them carried me to a chair. My body shaking and still crying they removed the blindfold. Jim got a wet cloth and wiped me down, I felt so weak and sick, my body hot and wet as they both started wiping me down. I tried to stand up but could hardly move. The room was still dark with candles still burning sweet smell in the room like incense. When they finished wiping me down, and they redressed me. Jim kneeled down in front of me and told me that I had been a sacrifice to the devil; that I belonged to him now and if I were to tell anyone he would come take me away to hell forever. It was a couple of hours before they let me go home, gave me a drink and some sweets before letting me go home. I lived only a few houses away but felt like it was miles away. When I got home mum and dad were asleep on their chairs, my brother sitting there watching television and I went straight to the toilet. My anus was so sore that it made me cry and when I wiped could see red on the paper, it was red sore for weeks after. For years, I had nightmares and was afraid of dark places, thinking the devil was there waiting for me. My dreams were of things under my bed and under the table and if I looked, I would be attacked by the monster hiding there. As time went on the memory faded, well became suppressed in my mind. I guess some of you people who have read this ask yourselves why I never said anything to anyone. The early 70s was much different to how it is these days, these things were rarely reported and were never really talked about. It’s only in the last 20 or so years that this sort of abuse was reported and the education and help was not available then like it is now. I guess that is not much of an excuse.
