Fear of Death

Hello my friends, I hope life find all you guyz happy and healthy.

For those who read my last blog I brought up the question asked by my sister when I was laid up in hospital before my bypass surgery. I was joking around, a normal thing for me, then she asked:

You don’t fear death?

I keep going through that question and keep coming up with the same answer.

No I don’t fear death.

Frame of Mind is a powerful thing and my strength in controlling my thoughts  and emotional state has just gotten harder and harder since hospital.

Bad dreams; dreams of abuse, self harm, hanging dreams in particular. Why hanging dreams? Maybe has something to do with experience with it.

A Haunting Memory, Never Forgotten

In 1997 on my way home from football game day at PHOS Camden Football Club. I stopped to go to the toilet at South Parkland’s, a known gay meeting place at the time. It was just gone dark and as I entered the toilet I heard a noise. When I came out I walked a path and came to a park bench I notice a guy hanging from a tree. I have never forgotten what I had seen.

A young Asian man, long black hair, wearing a red t-shirt and sky blue track pants.

I contemplated, what I should  do. Do I get involved? In the end I could not take the chance that maybe a child walking through there the next morning, seeing him hanging. So, after checking for a pulse and made my way to my car and went to the nearest telephone box to ring police. For month later, on the way home from football and during working hours I would go to the bench he used to launch himself and just sit there. Asking myself why I didn’t see him as I drove up the site road, the area was visible to the side road, why didn’t I go look when I heard the noise? If I didn’t stop at a service station, would I have gotten to him before, was there anything I could of done. It was more than likely I probably would of talked to him even to say hello, just standing close-by might of stopped him. For what reason or reasons did he come to the drastic decision to end his life?

After months of doing this I went there one night and cut the branch off that he used. Short time later, the council had moved the chair. The memory and questions are still with me, just as strong now as they were 16 years ago.

I have come to realise that I may not fear death but what I do really fear is for those around me. At one stage I contemplated just walking in front of a motor vehicle. As soon as I thought about it, I thought of the person driving that vehicle. What would I put them in the motor vehicle through?

Take care always. Lotsa huggies, cuddles and kisses

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