For those who read my last blog I brought up the question asked by my sister when I was laid up in hospital before my bypass surgery. I was joking around, a normal thing for me, then she asked:

You don’t fear death?

I keep going through that question and keep coming up with the same answer.

No I don’t fear death.

Frame of Mind is a powerful thing and my strength in controlling my thoughts and emotional state has just gotten harder and harder since hospital. Bad dreams; dreams of abuse, self harm, hanging dreams in particular.

Why hanging dreams? Maybe has something to do with an experience in 1997.

In 1997 on my way home from football game day at PHOS Camden Football Club. I stopped to go to the toilet at South Parklands, a known gay meeting place at the time. It was just gone dark and as I entered the toilet I heard a noise. When I came out I walked a path and came to a park bench I notice a guy hanging from a tree. I have never forgotten what I had seen. A young Asian man, long black hair, wearing a red t-shirt and sky blue track pants.I contemplated, what I should  do. Do I get involved? In the end I could not take the chance that maybe a child walking through there the next morning, seeing him hanging. So, after checking for a pulse and made my way to my car and went to the nearest telephone box to ring police. For month later, on the way home from football and during working hours I would go to the bench he used to launch himself and just sit there. Asking myself why I didn’t see him as I drove up the site road, the area was visible to the side road, why didn’t I go look when I heard the noise? If I didn’t stop at a service station, would I have gotten to him before, was there anything I could of done. It was more than likely I probably would of talked to him even to say hello, just standing close-by might of stopped him. For what reason or reasons did he come to the drastic decision to end his life?After months of doing this I went there one night and cut the branch off that he used. Short time later, the council had moved the chair. The memory and questions are still with me, just as strong now as they were 16 years ago.

Suicide ideology is a battle I have fought for as long as I can remember, from way back into my early childhood. I can not say that I have come close to losing my battle. I love and care about my family and friends. I have come to realise that I may not fear death but what I do really fear is for those around me. At one stage I contemplated just walking in front of a motor vehicle. As soon as I thought about it, I thought of the person driving that vehicle. What would I put them in the motor vehicle through?

Anyway, I had made many changes in my life. While in hospital, I gave up smoking, both the want and need to smoke, I started eating better, also taking my medications and taking my insulin when I am suppose too.

Well it started that way, I am battling tobacco addiction again. I can give every excuse under the sun why I started again. Sure I am not smoking as much as before but as with any addiction that can change. Now I am not taking my medications as regularly as I should be, I am taking them but I’ve gone back to my odd hours. Going to bed later, getting up later that day, sleeping through my morning medications and insulin, often going past my lunch time medications.

I know it is up to me to make the changes again I need to make and I know it really upsets some people I know. It has lead to some small arguments, which just gets me down even further as I already feel. The feeling of uselessness is a major affect and that really is not a new thing for me either.

Anyway will post this blog now and might add to it later. Take care my friends and any comments you may have please make them below.

Take care always. Lotsa huggies, cuddles and kisses